Tracee Ellis Ross has been a public figure I’ve admired for years. It probably started when Girlfriends gradually became my comfort show or maybe when I learned she was a fellow Scorpio. Regardless of where it began, I’ve long been drawn to the relationship she’s built with herself: the grounded way she carries and expresses who she is, and her commitment to creating a life aligned with her deepest desires.
These days, her name often gets tied to conversations about singleness and womanhood. And while she’s rightfully reshaped that narrative, there’s so much more to learn from her than whether she’s dating someone. In her own words, she has “designed a life that looks like her,” a feat most people never slow down long enough to attempt.
So when Emma Grede released an interview where Ross broke down how she arrived at this version of herself, I listened closely. Here are the lessons that resonated the most and the ones I’m now allowing to influence my own journey.
Confidence grows when you actually know who you are
Contrary to what many Tracee Ellis Ross fans may believe, Ross wasn’t always self-assured. “It took me a long time to get to know myself,” she said. “To have the courage to be that person, and then to live as that person has just come in the last six to seven years.” Hearing this was refreshing as a listener because it meant that I had the potential to develop that unwavering self-confidence — all I needed were the steps.
The first step Ross recommends is becoming aware of the simple things like what you enjoy, your preferences, how you like to spend time, and what energizes you. Being aware of these things may appear trivial, but to Ross they’re important pinpoints on a map to discovering who you are.
People talk about how to get what you want. I think it’s more important to be who you are…the world around you will be built out of that.
Tracee Ellis Ross
I notice that when I’m intentional with asking myself questions whether they’re surface level like “what books am I gravitating to in this season of my life?” Or deep questions like “what self-limiting beliefs are on repeat lately?” I feel more grounded and closer to myself.
As I started to develop a better sense of myself, confidence naturally started to bubble up. But the work doesn’t stop there. As Ross puts it, we then have to give ourselves permission to live as the person we’ve gotten to know. I’m actively practicing this step by finding moments where I’m holding myself back from showing up authentically and then consciously giving myself permission to be who I am unapologetically.
Spend more time dreaming about the life you want
“I grew up dreaming of my wedding,” Ross said. “And to a certain extent I wish I had spent more time…dreaming of my life.” This is a sentiment that resonates with several women. How many of us already have a clear idea of what our wedding dress will look like rather than the kind of lifestyle we want to lead?
Although getting married someday with a backless, silk white dress is still on my vision board, I’m purposely including more goals and visions related to the lifestyle I want to create. This includes pursuing a life that is soul-led, flexible, and creative. Having these intentions at the forefront of my mind helps me move from a place of purpose and confidence because I know that I’m gradually creating a life that isn’t centered on what someone else can provide me — it’s centered on who I am and who I want to become.
For anyone who doesn’t know where to start, Ross suggests letting your curiosity lead the way. Try things. Drop things. Follow sparks. Because similar to how self-inquiry can build confidence, curiosity can expose you to untapped potential and new discoveries.
Build a life by becoming yourself, not by hustling harder
I gave up my allegiance to hustle culture a long time ago, knowing that it wasn’t sustainable and in alignment with the lifestyle that I wanted. My focus shifted from hustling to slowing down and spending time cultivating an understanding on how I wanted my life to look and feel. Although I never doubted my decision to do this, it was reassuring to know that Ross co-signed spending more time building your identity than hustling.
“People talk about how to get what you want,” Ross said. “I think it’s more important to be who you are…the world around you will be built out of that.” This is similar advice I received from an Uber driver a few years ago where I was advised to spend more time creating a lifestyle instead of a career. Many people assume that this advice will stifle ambition, but it actually fuels it. You’re encouraged to approach your own race at your own pace instead of non-stop hustling after goals and aspirations. More importantly, I find it to be motivating and sustainable because I’m not constantly comparing myself to others and their accomplishments, instead I’m focused on being the best I can be.
Shift your inner dialogue to honor where you are
I’ve been guilty of toxic positivity. Growing up I used my positivity as a way to suppress and mask fears and emotions that I believed were “bad.” Ross’ approach helped shift that.
According to Ross, “I am-ing” her way to positive emotions didn’t solve the root problems and guide her through her feelings. “I put ‘may I’ before stuff because ‘may I’ instead of ‘I am’ feels like it honors where I am and invites me to where I want to go,” Ross shared.
Like Ross, I was accustomed to bypassing how I was truly feeling with positive affirmations like “I am okay” even when I obviously wasn’t. Now, instead of powering through emotions that want to be seen, I’m welcoming them while encouraging myself to be present with affirmations like “may I show up for myself today” and “may I move through this moment with gentleness.” This shift honors where I am while still pointing me toward where you want to go.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment, curate the life you want now
I recall times where I was waiting for the right person or perfect timing to pursue certain experiences. This is the classic waiting-to-start-living syndrome at work, convincing me that who I am now is not capable or worthy of those experiences yet. But Ross reminded me that I have the choice to curate the life I want right here, right now.
A recurring question for Ross is: How am I choicefully living my life? When I asked myself the same question, I was prompted to look at all the decisions I’ve made over the past few months and evaluate whether they were in alignment with how I wanted to live or whether I was waiting for perfect timing or a significant other.
To get clarity, Ross recommends a daily check-in:
- How was today?
- What felt good?
- What didn’t?
- Where did I honor myself?
After a few weeks, patterns emerge (i.e, what brings joy, who brings peace, what energizes you), and from those patterns, Ross explained, we can begin gathering data that helps us build a life that’s aligned with what we truly want.
What’s one lesson that’s shaped the way you live? I’d love to know in the comments!
If this post resonated, you’ll enjoy my other reflections on alignment, growth, and creating a life that feels like yours here.
To stay inspired, follow aaliyahinspired on Instagram and Youtube.
Leave a Reply