Self-love is all the rage these days. It’s great that extending the love you give others onto yourself is being normalized and encouraged. However, when I hear discussions on self-love, they usually only scratch the surface of what it means to truly love oneself, often neglecting the reality that self-love is a multi-layered concept and experience.
Self-love is seen as something that can be “achieved.” I was sold on this idea until I learned that self-love is something we choose and commit to do for the duration of our lives.
Over the past few months, I’ve witnessed the many layers of self-love. In the beginning of my self-love journey, I was on a high — a learner’s high. I was encountering positive experiences in my life, which made it easy to love who I was, what I was doing, and where my life was going. However, the real test to my proclamation of self-love was when I hit challenging times, requiring me to accept my mistakes and offer understanding and patience.
In her book “all about love: New Visions,” bell hooks shared her favorite definition of “love” from M. Scott Peck which says love is “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”
What stood out to me in this quote was the word nurture. The word “nurture” by definition is to “care for and protect (someone or something) while they are growing.”
Discussions on self-love neglect mentioning this key ingredient. Self-love requires nurturing. It requires the care and protection of our well-being and that sometimes means doing things that are difficult like rejecting things that don’t contribute to our growth.
I reluctantly had to learn this recently. I was put in a situation where I deeply desired something — desperately attaching myself to this want to the point that it was infuriating not to have it. However, deep down, I knew it wasn’t right for me. Instead of accepting this and choosing to let go, I forced the situation. In doing so, I neglected what was best for me, leading me to experiencing hurt. Although this hurt led me to entering another dimension of self-love, I could’ve avoided unnecessary pain in the process.
While learning the lessons I needed to learn in the situation described above, I was able to practice patience, understanding, and grace. I was able to understand what hooks meant by nurturing my growth.
Understanding and implementing hooks’ truth is hard, but it’s a game-changer.
Respecting yourself enough to do the things necessary for your growth is the real testament to your progress in self-love. Choosing yourself isn’t always easy. If it was easy, everyone would do it.
The journey of self-love is never-ending, offering new insights as it unfolds. Although the many dimensions of self-love are learned over time, it’s worth the pursuit, practice, and dedication.
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