There I was. On my ten hour flight back from London with a feeling of sadness; sadness from the fact that I was leaving London and sadness because of a guy.
Yes, a guy.
I’ve never been the one to be hung up over a guy. The last time I let a guy occupy my headspace in this capacity was back in middle school. I had a “situationship” with a handsome, tall basketball player that never really went anywhere like I wanted it to.
So, why was I hung up on this one guy who, frankly speaking, didn’t really seem that interested but gave me just enough to feen over him? I have no fucking clue.
My best guess is one, he had an accent that was irresistible not to love, and two, he was just my type.
I should, however, preface this story with how I exactly got into this situation.
Before going to London, I promised myself to say “yes” to everything (within reason of course). This mainly included new experiences that would get me out of my comfort zone. The other thing it included was dating… specifically in a foreign country.
After going on a few dates here and there (and actually getting into an official relationship but breaking up a few weeks later), I put the possibility of meeting Mr. Right in England to rest. That is until I met the guy. The guy I actually cried over.
The magic from our romantic rendezvous flamed out as fast as it lit up.
For specificity, we met up twice (within a span of a week) before things started to fizzle out. But, you know how it is, ladies. The daily texts fool you into believing you’ve known someone more than you actually have. This false reality coupled with disillusioned fantasies and expectations you’ve conjured up in your head prepares you for a reality check. The only question is: when will you have to face this reality check.
For me, it was week three.
I started to get the vibe that this guy just wasn’t that into me. But, for probably the first time in my life, I questioned this vibe. My crush on this guy was so alive that it clouded my judgment and intuition (which is spot on 95% of the time). I eventually asked said guy if this was the case, but I was assured that I was very much liked and that he wanted to continue seeing me. This answer satisfied me for a bit until the actions of said guy didn’t align with the pretty words he was telling me, but I continued to make excuses and trust his words over his actions.
This drove me insane. So insane I got overwhelmed and cried.
This led me to doing things I never normally do like making an extra effort to continue something that isn’t giving me the same energy. I was clinging desperately to the idea that this could potentially be Mr. Right even though all signs pointed to “he ain’t it.”
Moral of the story: You can’t force anyone to want to have you in their life.
Fast forward four weeks later. Feelings lingered from this unrequited crush but I accepted that I needed to move on, and I found myself watching the movie Eat, Pray, Love on my way back home from London. This wasn’t my first time watching Eat, Pray, Love, but unlike my first time watching it, I was feverishly jotting down quotes in the movie that related to my situation.
The one that comforted me the most was when Julia Roberts (playing Elizabeth Gilbert) chats with Christine Hakim (playing Wayan) about feeling off balance due to her love affair with Javier Bardem (playing Felipe). At one point during the conversation, Wayan says, “Don’t feel bad about Felipe. Everybody needs affection, honey. Make people do funny things. Everyone gets like that at the beginning of a relationship.”
Ah, the desire for affection makes people do funny things.
Was I a bit ahead of myself for investing so much into a guy I barely knew? Sure. But was I wrong for liking someone and wanting a connection with them? Nah. In fact, I think I’m justified in being sad over a cute, brown-eyed English boy.
This isn’t going to be the last time I get my heart a little bruised by a guy, but I can confidently say it’s the last time I go against my intuition. In the words of the great Maya Angelou, “when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time”
In the meantime, I’m soaking in my Eat, Pray, Love era where my happiness and wellbeing are my main priority. And if love happens to be in the picture someday, then I won’t stop it.
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