Most of us live in a perception of a perception of ourselves. Meaning, the image we hold of ourselves is a combination of what we think others view us as and what we ideally want to be viewed as.
There are many theories that support this notion such as the looking-glass self theory. The looking-glass self says that we shape the perceptions we have of ourselves based on other’s feedback or assumed views we think others have of us.
Similarly Charles H. Cooley captures the essence of this theory in three sentences: “I am not what I think I am. I am not who you think I am. I am who I think you think I am.”
With these observations, we can assume that, unconsciously, many of us are embodying a distorted version of ourselves. We can go even further to say, we embody distorted versions of ourselves while pursuing distorted desires, goals, and lifestyles that align with this distorted version of ourselves.
When you break down this distorted image of who you are and its desires, who are you really? All the material and abstract things we assign as “ourselves” — the fashion aesthetics, the curated Instagram feed, the home decor, the titles, the identities — who are you really when you then strip away these things?
As children, we didn’t limit ourselves to these accessories or labels. We didn’t try to rush to define who we were either. Better yet, we didn’t even care what others perceived us to be. It’s not until we get older that we unintentionally learn to do this.
Social media made this process more complicated. In the age of social media, we’ve created “niches,” which is simply a small internet bubble of a few specific topics one chooses to post about. Niches are ideal for businesses but not for cultivating identities. It’s easy to mistake our online presence with who we are offline. The distinction is becoming blurrier by the second.
The more we attach ourselves to these niches alongside the perceptions we think others have of us, the more we become distanced from knowing our true selves. These titles, labels, aesthetics, and material possessions we are attaching our identity to are empty, devoid of any substance. They don’t really tell us anything about ourselves besides our preferences and interests.
Naturally, when we are not aware of this, our lives begin to compliment these identities even if it’s not how we truly want to live our lives. Sure, receiving feedback and compliments from others is a great way to point to our strengths and weaknesses as an individual. However, attaching yourself to external perceptions can put you on a path that others made for you. You should come to conclusions about yourself for yourself, not through others.
For years, I was told I was a good dancer. I never received any other compliments skill-wise to that magnitude, so I assumed that was my path.
Dance became a big part of my identity, and it eventually became something I was pursuing as a career. For the last two years of my high school journey, I taught dance as an instructor while taking classes and preparing to audition for this performing arts school in Los Angeles.
I spent months working with another choreographer to perfect my audition routines. When it was time to audition, my parents and I drove roughly seven hours from Mississippi to Georgia the night before the audition.
Long story short: I didn’t make it.
I received the news after a long, hot summer of running back and forth to the mailbox everyday to see if there was anything from the performing arts school. Three months after the audition, I got the news that I unfortunately was not accepted.
At that moment, I was devastated. But now looking back, it was just redirection.
In that redirection, I discovered that there was more to me than my talent in dance. I had other skills that I didn’t allow myself to fully tap into because I was laser focused on this one aspect of myself that everyone told me I was good at.
The months following the rejection, I started exploring my other interests such as writing, video creation, and photography. Application deadlines for colleges were approaching so I needed to decide what I wanted to study. This led me to studying journalism/media studies at San Diego State University. Although journalism itself wasn’t something I was passionate about, I knew that this pathway would sharpen the skills I had in writing and videography.
If I had continued to attach myself to a single aspect of myself, I wouldn’t have experienced the things I have or met the people that would change my life.
Instead of trying to force ourselves into a neatly squared box that tells us who we are, or rather who others think we are, we should encourage ourselves to be fully engaged with our own lives so that we can learn and discover for ourselves who we are.
When we become fully engaged with our own lives, we’re less likely to spend the majority of our day scrolling on Tiktok. We’re more likely to practice and hone in on our interests and passions. When we are engaged with our own lives, we’re less likely to allow other people’s perceptions of us to sway our perceptions of ourselves. We’re more likely to walk to the beat of our own drum, allowing our unique desires to guide us to what we want in life. When we are living an engaged life, we are less likely to allow the clothes we wear, the music we choose to listen to, or our Instagram feed to define us. We’re more likely to see those things as what there are: accessories, accessories that highlight our personality not fully define it.
When we take the time to explore, love, and find our true selves, we break the glass once and for all. The glass stands between the false you and the real you.
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