‘Who am I?’ Is the only question worth asking and the only one never answered. It is your destiny to play an infinity of roles, but these roles are not yourself.
Deepak Chopra
The late British philosopher Alan Watts had a unique way of looking at one’s identity. Instead of looking at identity as a series of descriptors and titles that accurately pinpoints our existence, he looked at identity as shallow descriptors and arbitrary titles that don’t speak to who one truly is — identity was simply a mask that one could take on and off as they please and shouldn’t be taken too seriously. He often referred to himself in the third person: I like Alan Watts’ gait or I particularly enjoy Alan Watts’ voice. In this way, he detached himself from the collection of characteristics and roles that typically informs a personality. This perspective is jarring to most people. First of all, referring to oneself in the third person is widely considered absurd, self-absorbed, and questionable. And secondly — and probably the most jarring part of it all — is the suggestion that we are not, in fact, our identity.
It’s assumed that we start forming our identities as soon as we learn to utter the words “I,” “me,” and “mine.” These possessive words are our first introduction to attaching our sense of self to external things. At first, the associations and attachments are minor and insignificant, having no weight on our sense of self like our name, our age, or our gender. Those characteristics are for mere convenience and have little effect on the way we view ourselves and interact with the world around us. Then, as we get older and are exposed to an onset of opinions and perspectives about what it means to be this and what it means it to be that and how things ought to be, the associations and attachments begin to build and coalesce. We learn to assign significance to these identifications, believing that “I” am this thing or this thing is “me” or that thing is “mine.” There isn’t any argument to the necessity of language to interact and communicate in the world; we need the words “I,” “me,” and “mine.” However, once these pronouns become attached to our identity — using them as a means to associate external things to ourselves — we make the tragic mistake of entangling the true self with the ego.
“If dealt with properly, ego can be a complement to one’s true self, providing a way of expression.”
Ego, as it currently stands in society, has negative connotations that lead some people seeking egolessness. These negative connotations are usually because of the rampant misuse of ego that give rise to symptoms of an unchecked ego such as jealousy, hatred, narcissism, greediness, low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. Ego, however, is not something to shy away from or something to “get rid of.” At its core, ego is essentially one’s personality or as Watts put it “a social institution with no physical reality, making ego “ simply your symbol of self.” If dealt with properly, ego can be a complement to one’s true self, providing a way of expression. Although, what tends to happen is people mistaking ego with the true self, relying on it as a reference point as to who they are; this places trust in a symbol of self built on transient external things rather than in the self that exists behind the symbol.
If we look beyond our symbol of selves, what we will find is nothing short of magnificent. It isn’t anything new, just something lost and forgotten: our true self. Our true self is something we were likely intimate with during our childhood. It’s not a coincidence that our culture is seeing a rise in inner child therapy, where one is encouraged to reconnect with their childhood since that’s where our true self was unapologetically free. That is to say before conditioning, programming, and domestication took over, when we were taught to deny ourselves to fit in and be palpable for those around us.
“Our true self consists of natural desires, natural interests and inclinations, and natural talents along with the characteristics of purity, creativity, carefreeness, and playfulness.”
Our true self consists of natural desires, natural interests and inclinations, and natural talents along with the characteristics of purity, creativity, carefreeness, and playfulness — all of which seem to dull as a child gets older and becomes an adult or, in other words, as we begin to take our symbol of self too seriously. When the symbol of self is seen as a life-or-death phenomenon, we begin to take on the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts.” The “I am this, therefore I need to act in this way” or the “others say this is how I should be.” So perpetuates the ubiquitous misfortune of one relinquishing the true self for the symbol when both can exist simultaneously.
It should be noted that connecting with one’s true self isn’t the same as subjecting oneself to a perpetual state of childish behavior because many would take the reality of a true self, misconstrue it, and use it as a justification for stunted maturation. That is to say, in the name of being one’s true self, one has to act like a child to exude the aforementioned qualities associated with children. However, this is not how the true self operates. In fact, if someone is stunted in their growth, it has everything to do with their symbol of self, not their true self because to be connected to one’s true true self is to be connected with a being that seeks evolution. Therefore, reflecting on one’s childhood simply serves as a starting point to unraveling all the shallow identifications we’ve attached to our sense of self.
It’s common practice to operate in one’s identity in a futile way. What’s the benefit of basing oneself on ephemeral roles, preferences, titles, and the like? What happens when these things fall away? When the symbol of self does nothing more than provide a shallow way of interacting in the world? As was the case with Alan Watts, identity or our symbol of self, can be related casually and seen for what it is — too flimsy and easily influenced to be anything more than a fun mask that can be taken on and off as one pleases. The mask is harmless until we mistake it for our point of reference to who we are. It would be a disservice to oneself to remain aware of this symbol yet choose to attach their sense of self to it. However, the greatest misfortune is for one to go their whole lives without realizing there was someone behind the mask.
Dear reader, if you made it this far, THANK YOU! I am currently working on a collection of essays and this is one that has been sitting in my rough draft. I thought that it would be interesting to share it to receive any feedback I could as I continue to work on the collection.
With that being said, let me know what you thought about the essay in the comments! I would love to hear constructive criticism and the parts that resonate with you.
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